Falling is just like flying (only it's really not)
by WinchesterNimrod
Summary: For a show that's rated G there's a lot of blood being spilt. [re-write of You've Got To Be Kidding Me]
1. Prologue

**This is a re-write of my old story 'You've Got To Be Joking'. This one will be darker, more violent and semi-realistic on its take on characters and plot bending.**

 **Hope you will enjoy this wild ride of craziness!**

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Prologue

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In the past people have called me crazy. It's understandable, and I certainly don't blame them. I may or may not be the sort who carries around a malfunctioned impulse control along with a _very_ murky, suspicious-looking conscience that hisses at the mere mention of 'Doing The Right Thing'.

I'm a certifiable disappointment as far as my parents are concerned – which they are. _Very_.

Eh, I don't mind. Worrying is far too bothersome.

Though…I am beginning to wonder whether I _should_ start worrying. About my mental health, that is. Because as far as I recall in that 'people call me crazy' tangent, hallucinations weren't ever present amongst the listings of reasons.

I don't hallucinate.

It's just not a thing I do.

The glowing portal before me firmly disagrees.

I close my eyes for a few seconds before opening them again.

Nope. Still there.

Blue lightning crackles around the edges and zaps the ground below. Leaving the scent of burnt tar wafting into my nostrils. I wrinkle my nose in disgust.

"Oh man," I groan, turning to look around to see if anyone else see's the blue glowing thingy. I quickly come to the conclusion that yeah, nobody else has paused to gawk down the empty alleyway like I've done.

"Well this is… _awful_."

I stare at the portal some more. Wondering whether I should just ignore its existence and go about my day as usual. Live the normal teenage dream. Maybe this will mark my turning point in life. Maybe it's a good thing I've started hallucinating – maybe now I'll act like the daughter my parents always wanted. I'll study long hours and get good grades. Be awarded a scholarship to Stanford and become a high-end lawyer like my mum. Or maybe a veterinarian like dad. I'll do all this and shove down my feelings, pretending to 'be okay when I'm not how teenager of me mum I'm living the angsty dream!'.

I think about it some more.

Bwugh.

" _Definitely_ not."

I shaky my head and skip towards the interesting portal promising a future spent in mental hospitals and dosing up on wacky drugs that make people look like a 70s music disco video. Or was that the 60s?

What would it feel like walking through a hallucination? I suddenly wonder.

Logically I knew it would feel like nothing at all. But to walk through something seemingly solid _must_ be a doozy on your self-esteem.

The portal crackles some more as I hoof a leg into it and

My eyes pop.

Almost like missing a step on a staircase, my body teeters forwards – only there isn't a next step after that, or another, or another, or _another_. In a cry of fear my body twists and arms lash out, attempting to grab the edges of the portal. It's no use, my fingers manage to brush against a hair of lightning.

And I descend.


	2. chapter one

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chapter one

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Caleb's seen a lot of weird shit in his life.

One has to when firmly attaching themselves against Phobos's rear end like a deadly fungus. As the leader of the Rebellion he's done and seen a lot of crap that would send the average Meridian packing to the Asylum slums. Never to be seen or heard from again because, Doctors?

It's a nice concept, really.

Lovely if they could actually _put it to use_.

So yeah. He's seen a lot of shit.

Girl dropping from a beam of light?

It's new.

Kind of got the drop on him and he reflexively throws a hidden dagger at the screeching girl - but after a heartbeat he just sort of watches in genuine bafflement. Wincing guiltily when she lands on her face like a sack of rice.

Seeing no movement and no blood - wait did he _miss?_ He hasn't missed a moving target since he was nine and sent his dinner fork flying into an officer's throat when they took his father away to the underwater mines.

He glowers at the girl, but shoves the indignation down and pretends it didn't happen. She fell from more than six feet high. Like she knew he threw a dagger at her.

The girl groans and pushes herself up onto elbows. Squinting at him and looking completely out of it.

"Bro…Did you just throw a knife at me?"

He engages a silent staring contest with said 'knife' way up in a stone.

"Huh. Maybe I hallucinated it. I do that now. It's a thing." She absently tells him and folds into a seating position.

Caleb takes the time to silently examine the recent threat that was quite literally dumped onto him.

His conclusion; weaker than a child.

"Although," the girl surveys her surroundings. Apathetic expression morphing into disgust at the foul sight.

He couldn't blame her.

He's pretty sure he was standing in the desiccated remains of a past prisoner along with Blunk's excrement.

"I am beginning to wonder whether I just rabbited myself through a portal into Hell."

"Portal?" Caleb repeats.

Now that changes _everything_.

This wasn't an enemy. That wasn't a random spark of light. This was a humanoid, senseless damsel that flung themself into one of Phobos's shifty portals because _why not_ step into a glowing thing?

That didn't sound like a Bad Idea.

That wouldn't shit on a rebel leader's day.

That wouldn't test his already waning patience and lean towards manslaughter.

"You – " He rubs his face. Remembering to breathe.

He could already hear Aldarn's chastising tone ' _now Caleb. Let's not kill the pretty idiot. Remember what happened last time_?'

…Yeah.

Hiding dead bodies isn't fun even with a best friend.

Dealing with the consequences and a decidedly unforgiving mother even less so.

"You are going to be quiet, and do what I say or – "

"Or you'll what?" She looks less dizzy. Blue eyes pierce straight through him as though she were looking at nothing but a mouldy ration of bread. "Kill me?"

Of all the things she could have said...

Caleb takes a breath. "As much as the idea tempts me." She snorts. "As much as the thought of not having to deal with a damsel in distress is. Sharing a hole with a rotting corpse just doesn't sound like a fun time."

"Hey, rude guy," the girl wags a finger at him. "Not a damsel."

He pointedly looks her up and down. Scoffing.

"Oh I get it," she sneers at him. "You're my torturer aren't you? A demon."

"A what? Is that an Earth thing?"

Yes, Caleb decides. Definitely an Earth girl. Nobody in Meridian would be caught dead in whatever those tight pants were and they were...

…Very tight.

Aldarn's voice reminds him to look _up_.

He forces down a burning flush because _Caleb Moric doesn't blush at Earth girls_.

Especially not rude damsels.

"Earth thing, the demon says," the oblivious idiot chuckles to herself. " _Earth_ thing. Yes, definitely a demon. And a stupid one too."

This time he forces down burning indignation. If it wasn't worse that he's already being handed a walking target he somehow managed to miss, Caleb would – no. _No_.

It has already exceeded worse.

Caleb shoves down every rising inclination to violence down, and settles for being diplomatic.

He tries on a soothing smile.

It has the girl staring at him in amusement.

"Cute. The demon can smile."

His lips twitch back, begging to show off his fangs.

' _Now Caleb –_ '

"Listen here, you Larvak. You are currently stationed in Meridian and inside a psychopaths' dungeon hole. I am your best bet at escaping and keeping safe." He raises a hand when she opens her mouth. "You landed here through one of said psychopaths' portals. Guardians _know_ you must have the worst luck on this shitty plane of existence to end up in the _one place_ every living creature should avoid. For life. So, do shut up or I will be provoked to cutting off your tongue with a rock because the _one_ dagger I had for safekeeping is up there," he points to a glinting rock ten meters high, "thanks to you."

The Earthling slowly closes her mouth and looks to be contemplating her entire existence.

He sighs in relief and looks skywards.

Thank Guardians, he got through to her.

.

 _Ooooh_ this was just bullshit.

I stew in silence. Glaring at nothing in particular because crap. I was in a children's tv series.

I needed answers. I needed answers like a mosquito needed Mortein. But oh man, what to ask?

I can't just outright question why I'm in a show. He'll think I'm insane (well, more than usual). Don't want to end up in some medieval asylum.

No thanks. Modern-day ones already suck, no need to end up in actual hell.

I'll have to tread carefully then. Let's start with the basics first.

What exactly are the portal and where can I find one to get home? That sounds like a reasonable.

So in true fashion, I peek up at the guy I assume to be Caleb and let my eyes filled with tears.

Guys are susceptible to crying girls. It's their inherent weakness.

 _Speak, child!_

"What…what's a portal?" I ask, voice timid and _oh so_ humiliating as I stare up at him like he's my knowledgeable hero. "Was it that blue glowy thingie?"

Caleb's face is exceptionally blank.

"Please," I let a tear trickle down for added effect.

"Are you serious? Tears? Manipulation? On your saviour?"

He wasn't buying it.

Damn.

I scowl hard. "Some saviour you are. Do you try and kill every defenceless girl that happens to fall through portals or am I just special?"

He straightens up at that and grits his teeth. "I-I _missed_ didn't I?"

"Well how-de-doo, that makes everything better." With ill grace I raise myself from the floor like the undead. Covered head to toe in whatever dirt this was, and march towards the boy who's supposed to grow up and become Queen Elyon's lieutenant. "Honestly, I don't care that you tried to kill me like I was some duck in the sky ready for cooking. All I want is answers. Like, _why me_? What in God's green anus is a portal and where can I find one to shove myself into?"

Caleb stares at me like a cat staring at it's own poop.

"Uhuh." He nods. Slowly. "I don't know why you in particular, maybe it's just Phobos's special way to spite me, but I can show you where a portal is."

"Great." I nod along.

Silence.

"Well..."

Caleb looks thoroughly put out. "I'm not a Guardian. I can't just sprout wings and fly us to safety. I first have to find away for us to escape, then I'll take you to a portal and be rid of this horrible responsibility."

Once again I find myself examining the enclosed, round space I landed in.

The comics and tv series made this place look so much nicer.

And heck of a less smellier.

Wait, wasn't there a green –

"Wanna trade?"

I screech and whirl around with a kick. Sending a small green thing to go smacking into a wall. There's a horrible snapping sound that has ringing silence following it.

"You just murdered your way out of Meridian," Caleb says. Face slack in horror. "How did that – you _idiot_."

I raise a placating hand. "Relax."

Caleb opens his mouth to only shut it and close his eyes. Taking deep, measured breaths.

I turn away after a second, and reflect on my misgivings.

It wasn't so bad, I reason.

Blunk wasn't much use in the way of things. Besides, Will and everyone else will show up later on with an arsenal of portals.

Everything will be _fine_.

Hopefully.

Because Caleb sounds like he holding himself back from strangling me and I don't feel like mother and father will be very happy if I develop a kill count.

.


End file.
